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In the first-ever edition of The Martial Arts Podcast, I sit down with my karate instructor, Dave Hawkey.

Mr. Hawkey talks about how he got started in martial arts, as well as the types of things he was seeing in Japan, Okinawa and the Philippines in the 1970s.

After the infomercial #emailmarketingfail, I have a short one for you today.

February 14, 2014 9:27:15 AM CST

Good morning,

This message is being sent out to those individuals who may have been determined as unqualified for the (master’s) program in the past.

I don’t even care that you’re offering me a program suited toward my needs. I’m just going to keep listening to the sad trombone.

“You weren’t good enough for the real program, and neither were a lot of other people, so we’re going to try to get your money by offering the dumb-dumbs something.”

I actually love the rest of this email – it’s a call to action to inquire about a new program they’re offering for people who fit a certain profile – but the opening line is just garbage.

Takeaways

1. Segmenting your list is good.
2. Telling your contacts which segment they’re in isn’t.
3. Focus on the positives. Tell us about your new program. Just don’t mention exactly why you’re offering it.

The email you are about to read is one I had to look through multiple times to verify that it actually came from the martial arts publisher it purports to.

The thrust of this message is to announce a DVD is going on clearance. That’s it. However, just for laughs, I print-previewed it to see that it would take up five pages of 8.5×11″ paper.

Read this email in the voice of Billy Mays or your favorite TV pitch person. You’ll be glad you did.

February 11, 2014 2:30:27 PM CST

Dear Adam,

Please don’t stop reading until you’ve seen this entire message… it’s important!

More important than all those other emails with the “high priority” exclamation points in them?

Recently, you told us that you wanted one of two things from YMAA, or both.

Or none. I don’t specifically remember taking a survey. Can you give me a reference point? No? Hmm… okay, go ahead.

Well, something happened a few days ago that enables me to help you with both of these.

You could have just said “helps” and gotten rid of the term “enables” entirely. This email isn’t about sales enablement (which is an actual term, to those who’ve never heard it), and so far, it’s not talking about drug addiction.

Please let me explain what happened…

(Some Dude) called me at an odd time of day.

Wait, who?

(Some Dude) often works directly with (Renowned Author) and is the person responsible for producing all of the exceptional videos [...] that we publish and share throughout the globe.

Thanks for clarifying.

Then he dropped the hot water on me.  You see, (Some Dude) has been working hard on re-designing the cover image of one of our top ten, most-loved products of all-time. It’s (DVD) it’s on DVD. I have to say, objectively, that it is so energizing you will literally feel an amazing energy buzz just by passively watching the video preview clip. Seriously, watch the less than two-minute clip and you’ll feel it too:

Three more paragraphs like this follow.

Now I have to be totally upfront with you… the difference between last year’s version and the new version that will come out a little over four months from now is that only the cover design will change. The old design on the outside of the DVD box is really good… it’s just not great. So (Some Dude) has been busy improving it. BUT the actual [...] experience that (Renowned Author) gives you on (DVD) is incredible… ABSOLUTELY TIMELESS.

Wait. I skipped over this part when I got the email. They just put a version of this DVD out last year, and they’re sending me down this rabbit whole just to announce a new design for this year’s?

Yada yada yada, this DVD has sold for $39.95. Until now.

I am going to allow the first people to claim one of the last 92 copies of ‘slightly old package-designed version’ of (DVD) for HALF-OFF. (You already know price is has been $39.95 this year) [Editor's Note: This parenthetical is in the actual email] If you’re one of the first 92 people to help me liquidate my last copies–you’ll get your copy for only $19.97.

This next part is where it gets real good.

BUT here is the catch… You’re going to have to act fast to get your copy! Why?

First, I really don’t like to discount our products like this. As I mentioned, the price of the version with the new cover design will still be $39.95, so this will be a good way for you to try (activity), if your new to it, or to re-energize yourself, if you’re not.

Second, I found out recently that we now have almost 30,000 customers who regularly visit our web site and the number is growing each week. I might be totally wrong, but I believe we will sell out of all 92 copies within the next few hours. If not, they will surely be gone in a few days. Once these are gone… they’ll be gone for along time—until the re-packing is complete and the price of the new stock will remain at $39.95.

The sender blathers on some more about how good of a deal this is, etc.

I fully support this publisher, which made it really hard to call out its uncharacteristically awful email. You guys have done better. Don’t let slop like this fall through the cracks again.

Marketing Takeaways

1. Infomercial scripts don’t lend themselves well to email.
2. Get to your call to action up front.
3. Stop wasting so much space and words.

Friday morning, 8:33 a.m.

If you were wondering which email prompted me to start this series, this is it.

I get an email with a decent subject line, one that lets me know what the sender is trying to get me to download. Fair enough.

Truth be told, I don’t remember how I got on this list. I know I was on a call with these folks at one point talking about a potential partnership, but I can’t recall exactly what I would’ve converted on their site for. Maybe nothing. Maybe they just used my email that I submitted for the calendar invite, and that was “permission” enough to get signed up for their email marketing pieces.

Anyway…

Adam,

At least he got my name right.

I keep getting asked for a copy of an outline of a talk I gave recently on why and how e-learning will change so much in the coming year.

Let’s rewrite this piece, shall we?

Adam,

Dude, I gave the greatest presentation ever. I’m not even kidding. Seriously, you should ask me about it and be cool like the other two people that did at the conference.

Nah, man, thanks, but I’ve gotta get goi-

But wait, I’m not through gloating about my talk. I mean, it was sooooo good. At least that’s what I’ve been told.

Okay, so what’s in it for me?

Well. Uh. I mean, it’s this talk that I gave recently on why I think this e-learning will change.

So, do you have any statistics to back it up in this email?

You’ve gotta download the report first.

You want me to download a report without giving me any reason why other than that you claim people are clamoring for it?

Well, yeah. I mean, “Hallelujah!” is in the title of the report. That’s what people were saying after I gave this talk.

Yeah. No.

Takeaways

1. Be able to answer “What’s in it for me?” on behalf of the person you’re sending it to.

Since I write regularly for my martial arts program and my employer, this blog has taken a bit of a backseat. Until now.

Often I find myself scratching my head at the email marketing messages I am sent by organizations.

For more than a year, I’ve made a serious effort to up my email marketing game (among other marketing aspects). All the while, I see other organizations seem to have not supported their email marketers.

Making a flub is okay, in my book – it happens. However, I like to call it the egregious #emailmarketingfails, usually via hashtag. Sometimes, though, 140 characters isn’t enough.

For now, I will not reveal any information about the sender. Nor will I include a screenshot so as not to give away the sender’s organization. That seems irrelevant to me at this point.

Here we go…

Thursday morning, 8:49 a.m.

I receive an email from a company with whom I have no recollection of interacting.

Subject line: Meeting Request

A pretty poor subject line for someone you’ve never interacted with before. Why would you try to schedule a meeting with me if I’ve never interacted with you? Even if I’ve only filled out one form on your website, I’m probably not ready to buy.

I assume at this point my email was distributed via a list since I didn’t recognize the sender’s name or company. I was ready to delete the email right then until I read the first line.

Hi Akansh,

Seriously? You can’t even get the first name field right? I know I’ve never submitted any form as an “Akansh.” My alias is way better than that.

Clearly this marketer – the Director of Business Development & Strategic Partnerships – is incompetent at developing business. Or he cultivates stupid leads who buy into this ridiculous email marketing method.

Because I didn’t want to be on the receiving end of any future marketing, I thought I would send him a message.

Hi —,

You’ve got the wrong email here. Please remove me from your mailing list.

Thanks!

After all, the email he’d sent wasn’t part of a mass campaign – there was no unsubscribe button. With no response from the sender, I figured he’d taken care of it.

Thursday afternoon, 3:17 p.m.

So imagine my surprise six hours later when I get one of their newsletters in my inbox.

How quick do you think I unsubscribed and marked that email as spam?

Takeaways

1. Don’t buy lists.
2. Make sure your data is correct.
3. If you send a regular email to someone and they ask you to cease communications, do it.
4. Additionally, always include an unsubscribe link as many of any email campaign. Let people filter themselves out so you’re not trying to target them, and focus on growing your list organically.